Could have big cocked man fucking me. I wasn’t too eager to let him come hear and he backed out. My sex life…
When I am horny I want to be used, abused and humiliated. Man could do me almost anything he want. When I am not, I want to be respected and I take no shit. I fear, man would not respect me after I have given myself to him. I think that is reason I have hard time meeting other men.
If there was one safe I could perfectly trust, he would have right at this moment.
I started this two years ago. I had break for over a year. I might come back. I have one post I want to write. Maybe more if I feel like. I am still at same situation as before the break.
With younger dominating man. I dream of being dominated and humiliated. I is scare to meet the man first time. I don’t know what he will do or if you like what he want to do. He needs to be stronger than you. He could do what ever he wants. That is scary. It wouldn’t be that horny if it wasn’t like that.
I want to be a slut. Giving my ass to real men. Sucking their cocks. Letting them humiliate me. Serving them and submitting to them. Being gangbanged and watched. Then dumped after they had their fun.
But I don’t feel like that all the time. Other times being slut would be very bad thing. That is why I am not slut and why I haven’t had any since first time. Next week that may change. I try to set up date with younger man. He promised to use and dominate me. That may not happen like all other times. I even told mr Smoker I want to meet again. He haven’t contacted.
I could have met someone tonight but he only wanted blowjob. I wanted more and nothing happened. I do suck cock but that is not why I want to have sex with men. Blowjob is foreplay and if that is only thing I am disappointed. And other thing is that I don’t want random men to cum in my mouth. With only giving blowjob that is big risk.
I think I found my second man. He is little older than me. I think he may be too eager to meet me. I have had second thoughts about this. This is one I have found online. He is in relationship but his partner is ok with him fucking other men. Partner is also man. I am not sure I should mess with taken ones. If I start to like him too much I will be second one to him.
I wish we could be more like bonobos. Having sex with everyone and almost all the time. No regrets. No judgement from others. Just doing what we want to do. And most importantly living peacefully with others. But no. We can’t do that. Even spell checker of this blog doesn’t know the word bonobo. Are we supposed not to write about one of our closes relatives which tells there is a better way? Check Wikipedia and other sources if you don’t know about bonobos and try to be more like them.
I have almost contacted Mr Smoker. I seem to find no-one else at the moment and I want to be fucked again. On one bad moment I might do that. Contact Mr Smoker I mean. I have few more busy weeks ahead where I don’t have too much time nor energy to find another man. One that I could go to and do it and then leave would be perfect.
I am starting to accept that I want to be with man sometimes. Still when there are women and men I tend to look at women. Still trying to find right woman. Where to find one that is ok with bisexual man?
There is bear party today at gay bar close to my place. I was thinking about going there. There would be men who could find me sexy. Most men don’t since I am quite bearish and not thin, shaven man using make up or something like that. I look like real man.
But today is not the day I will show myself in gay bar. There have been too much other stuff in my mind. I haven’t had time to mentally prepare myself to take this step out of the closet. I know once I go there it is not such big thing I think it is. But skip it this time. I will do that some time future when my vanilla life is less hectic.